ESTAMOS ACTUALIZANDO NUESTRO SERVIDOR, LES AGRADECEMOS SU PACIENCIA

Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO:

1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

2. Use of antibiotics is deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."

3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on last chapter of "War and Peace."

4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

5. Annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.

6. Exam room has a tip jar.

7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

10. "Take two leaches, call me in the morning."

11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgsicle.

13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

14. Radiation treatment requires cancer patients to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

15. Prenatal vitamin prescription is a box of Tic Tacs.

16. Chief surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

19. Only item listed under preventive care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."

20. Only participating physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.

21. Only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.

22. Plan covers only group gynecologic exams.

23. Preprinted prescriptions pads that say, "WALK IT OFF, YOU SISSY!"

24. To avoid a time-consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

25. Recycled bandages.

26. You can get yur flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.

27. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave Goodwill last month.

28. Twenty-four hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK.

29. Costly MRI equipment is efficiently replaced by an oversized, two-sided copier.